Jeremy, I did enjoy your short story. I thought your dialogue was effective and fairly realistic. Since basically the whole story is in dialogue, it is important that your dialogue between the characters Hikari and Sora to be realistic and significant. Although i did find some things repetitive, such as "she," but overall it was pretty realistic. Having so much dialogue allows the story to lack in detail. I would have liked to see more physical details about the characters and the setting. I'm not exactly sure how you would incorporate them because I don't want the descriptions to disrupt the flow of the story because I thought it flowed nicely throughout, but I would attempt to add some descriptions throughout the story about each character and the karate training setting. Along with that, I really would have liked to see Sora and the captain's relationship develop a little bit. The background information between the two helped me as a reader and also Hikari understand who Sora is and why he acts the way he does.
I liked how you made the story focus on Sora even though it was mainly from Hikari's point of view. I thought you did a good job with the viewpoints and allowed the reader to see almost Sora and Hikari's viewpoints. Thus, I kind of wish I would have been able to see some things from the captain's viewpoint and see a little insight into who the captain is. I feel as though you could create a scene or two between the captain and Hikari or how the captain acts around Sora now, besides when they were young and the captain stood up for Sora.
Overall, I enjoyed your story and thought it was very entertaining. For a short story, your characters were pretty well developed and your dialogue was effective, allowing the reader to trust you as an author. Great job!
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